Not Ready for Today

Maria is doing an awesome job with this blog, but today, well, today shook the foundations of my world.  Maria and I are still processing, but I thought I might put some of my thoughts on this blog before I forget them, and while everyone is sleeping.  They are rough, and I am not as detailed as Maria is, but remember she is asleep, and this is an unsanctioned post.

Today we went to Hannah Ershu's "finding place" - the place where she was abandoned.  I didn't know what to expect.  I was afraid, afraid that a flood of memories would come back with a vengeance, and not in a good way.  I was not ready for what happened.  She remembered - Everything.


Our visit lasted less than an hour, but it has been replaying in my mind all evening.  As she told us about the day I imagine it the smells - the noise - the little girl on the sidewalk.  I picture my daughter waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  I see the people walking by.  My stomach turns with dread as her story unfolds.  Even now tears fill my eyes.

At the same time, I am overwhelmed with how fortunate I am to be her Daddy.  I get to love her.  I get to tell her that I will never leave her - in the same place she was left for good.  I get to carry some of her burden.  I get to show her a Father that never left her and will never leave her.  I get to be part of the plan God is unfolding in her life.  This was not something I was thinking of a year ago when we first learned about her.  I know there are special things in store for Hannah Ershu,  I know that God put her in our hearts and in our home for a reason ... a little girl halfway around the globe in a country I thought very little about (mostly on purpose) ... but I never expected what happened today.

There is an account of Jesus looking at the crowds and He "had compassion on them."  I heard that the word 'compassion' in this account is really more like a knot in the pit of your stomach from loving someone so much that you can't stand the thought of anything happening to them.  Today I felt true compassion. As my daughter recounted the details and events of the day she was abandoned,  I felt more that that knot in the pit of my stomach.  It was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach.  She is so precious, so smart, so special - how could something this tragic happen to her?  I am beyond sad that my daughter has been forced to endure so much in her short life.  I don't fully comprehend the fear and pain she has experienced - can you begin to imagine waiting for a father that never returns?  Can you imagine carrying that painful memory?

I was not prepared for what happened today.  Even though it happened several hours ago, I am still in shock.  I am still getting tears in my eyes as I think about it.  That knot hasn't left.

-Josh