Maria is doing an awesome job with this blog, but today, well, today shook the foundations of my world. Maria and I are still processing, but I thought I might put some of my thoughts on this blog before I forget them, and while everyone is sleeping. They are rough, and I am not as detailed as Maria is, but remember she is asleep, and this is an unsanctioned post.
Today we went to Hannah Ershu's "finding place" - the place where she was abandoned. I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid, afraid that a flood of memories would come back with a vengeance, and not in a good way. I was not ready for what happened. She remembered - Everything.
Our visit lasted less than an hour, but it has been replaying in my mind all evening. As she told us about the day I imagine it the smells - the noise - the little girl on the sidewalk. I picture my daughter waiting, and waiting, and waiting. I see the people walking by. My stomach turns with dread as her story unfolds. Even now tears fill my eyes.
At the same time, I am overwhelmed with how fortunate I am to be her Daddy. I get to love her. I get to tell her that I will never leave her - in the same place she was left for good. I get to carry some of her burden. I get to show her a Father that never left her and will never leave her. I get to be part of the plan God is unfolding in her life. This was not something I was thinking of a year ago when we first learned about her. I know there are special things in store for Hannah Ershu, I know that God put her in our hearts and in our home for a reason ... a little girl halfway around the globe in a country I thought very little about (mostly on purpose) ... but I never expected what happened today.
There is an account of Jesus looking at the crowds and He "had
compassion on them." I heard that the word 'compassion' in this
account is really more like a knot in the pit of your stomach from
loving someone so much that you can't stand the thought of anything
happening to them. Today I felt true compassion. As my daughter
recounted the details and events of the day she was abandoned, I felt
more that that knot in the pit of my stomach. It was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. She is so precious, so smart, so
special - how could something this tragic happen to her? I am beyond sad that my daughter has been forced to endure so much in her short life. I
don't fully comprehend the fear and pain she has experienced - can you begin to imagine waiting for a father that never returns? Can you imagine carrying that painful memory?
I was not prepared for what happened today. Even though it happened several hours ago, I am still in shock. I am still getting tears in my eyes as I think about it. That knot hasn't left.